Keeping in touch with people isn’t always the easiest. With time, I’ve discovered that many of my friendships can fall into 3 buckets.
- Proximity
- Activity
- Sex/Intimacy
Moreover, it get’s even more interesting if you consider whether your friendship is with a male or a female. It’s often one or two, or even three of these buckets mixed together that makes it easy to go on autopilot and just assume a friendship is there.
So wouldn’t it make sense, that there’s also a 4th bucket? A friendship that is:
4. On purpose
You hear stories all the time of “we just fell apart” or “we stopped hanging out” or “there wasn’t any chemistry”. These are often the results of friendships that were due to proximity, activity, or sex. Friendships without a doubt can help support one’s health, emotions and build connectivity. It’s also a way of broadening one’s horizons and enabling your own self-growth. Like my mother always said to me when growing up “you are what you eat, and you are who you surround yourself with”.
I’d argue that the 4th version of friendship takes the icing on the cake. When a friendship is on purpose, you choose to be friends and you make an effort because the opportunity is limitless. You’re able to see the talents of one another, and you’re able to suspend immediate judgement on your friend. You respect him or her for their unique-ness and come to the table with an ear for listening. You also trust that they’ll be there, and that you can always pick up where you left off. It’s simple.
It’s a wonderful place when two people are just “able to fit” into each other’s lives without any pretext or reasons. There’s no behind the scenes or hidden desires, it just is. Of course it’s useful if it’s on purpose, but wouldn’t it be nice if ya’ll agreed to be on each other’s life path until the roads diverged?
In yoga and in defining one’s purpose in life, there will be many friends along the road. With some, you’ll spend one day together and leave lifelong friends. With others you’ll spend 8 months together, grow in each other’s energy, and part ways after its time. But like your body, it’s these friendships that are on purpose (one’s that you train and come back to over and over again) that build your strength & flexibility, and not because you happened to be by the gym, or got invited to an exercise class. It comes from your own need to live life to the fullest.
In my own life, I had been reflecting on many of my friendships. It isn’t always easy, and conversation may not always be fully connected. I may leave a call with a friend thinking “wow we’re so far a part” or “this person is so different now”, but more and more, I’ve begun to learn to not jump to conclusions about these things. I’ve learned to start from a place of trust, and happiness that we’re still in each other’s lives. For example, I had a conversation with a high school friend Grace who’s finishing up her masters in medicine where I forgot that we all have our good days and bad days. I left that call thinking that something was wrong. Two days ago, we spoke again and it was such a blessing. Sometimes you just need a friend, and it’s not always going to be rainbows and unicorns. I’m also blessed to have a friend that I met almost one year ago on an international trip to Japan. We certainly don’t have proximity, share all of the same activities, or have physical intimacy right now but somehow and for any number of reasons, we’re both still here; on purpose. It’s a gift. I also have a male friend, Madis who I always end up knowing is a brother who will always be there. At the same time, it’s also important to remember that you do need to check in and you still do need to share an activity. As a matter of fact, I should check in with that guy.
The trick of the matter is, to never stop making friends. You never know who that person you decided to speak to or didn’t decide to speak to could have influenced, impacted, or changed your life. There will also be some friends that you’ve known for a decade, and it’s now time to travel down different paths. The stories and experience you’ve shared will always be there in memory, but you need to wish each other the best. That’s ok.
In all, we’re pretty lucky to be alive, and have the opportunity to have friendships. Don’t waste that gift.